How To Dress For A Cobra Starship Show

Okay, gang -- in an effort to prepare ourselves fashion-wise for the upcoming Cobra show (and the possibility that Gabe Saporta might lay eyes on us again), we will be expounding upon the different styles that might be utilized at a Cobra Starship show.

1) The American Apparel: This entails buying a purple hoodie from the notoriously "scene" American Apparel company. (Gabe may or may not model for the company. He looks good in purple. End of story.) Black or gray skinny jeans, or maybe a pair of neon colored denim shorts if you're feeling daring. A baseball cap or trucker hat help in the headgear department. We postulate that Gabe would support (Saport, hah!) clunky golden jewelry, preferably with cobras or an engraved image of J-Tim emblazoned on the shiny surfaces. Chuck Taylors or Vans, maybe Toms, depending on how conscious of third-world nations you want to be. Neon slouchy socks if you are wearing shorts -- or just pull them up over your skinny jeans, who the hell cares? And, of course, do not forget the large, white-framed spectacles which help your vision not at all.

2) The Town-Kid: Harder to define. If you are male, you will probably want to invest in a pastel v-neck shirt from a thrift store (you probably over-paid by ten bucks, if we're being honest). You also want shorts that come above the knee, preferably just short enough to make frat boys curl their lips at you. They should be either denim or corduroy -- maybe a suble pattern that looks like polka-dots at first glance, but upon closer inspection turns out to be tiny ducks.

Girlies ... you'll either need to wear lace leggings with a dress so short an outside show would result in your catching the croup, or really, really tight jeans. This could not be more important. These jeans have to be so tight that you cannot sit down, bend over, or sway to the music -- this is why most girls who go with this look opt to stand against the wall with an uncomfortable, "don't-fuck-with-me" look on their faces. Go for a scant tank top that shows off your prominent hip-bones (your jeans also need to be ridiculously low-cut) and then cover your cleavage with a voluminous "summer" scarf. A large broach or pendant will complete your ensemble, maybe a piece of rope tied around your head, a single braid draping edgily across your intense cheekbones, some neon eyeliner (with a product name like "Bitch" or "Arg!"), scruffy flats from China town that you've worn for the past fourteen years, an advantageously placed set of safety pins ... any or all of these would be appropriate.

3) The Scenester: Lots of eyeliner, male or female, doesn't freaking matter. Black, bitter, eyeliner. And either black or neon fingernails -- alternate fingers, if you wish. Your jewelry should probably be the type popular with a first-grade crowd -- Pretty, Pretty Princess beads, clunky vinyl flower headbands, giant patent leather bows, or rings the size of Utah. Clothing is pretty genderless as well, except that you gals should probably wear skirts the width of belts, to better expose your leopard-print leggings. Girl jeans and old band or cartoon shirts work well -- go all out and tattoo little stars on your face, right next to your eyelids. Your hair should either be swoopy, completely covering your eyelined eyes, or teased and huge. Or a mullet. Your choice, as long as it contains an edgy streak or two of blue or pink.

4) The Old-School Emo Kid: Square glasses, swoopy hair, ripped jeans, flannel overshirt covering something worn and holey, an "I slept with Boy George" button, well-loved shoes, and a messenger bag work for both genders. Stripes are also always a safe bet.

Go with one of these looks, and you will never feel out of place in the vicinity of Mr. Saporta ... we hope. We will be posting pictures to catalogue these looks sometime this week. Signing off for now, kids.